I have heard a few people say, ‘Hmm…going underneath my personality. Do I really want to do that? It could be scary.” From my perspective, I believe it’s riskier to not explore what’s underneath our personality. Here’s an example that’s been front and center for me this week. I invite you to spend a few moments with it to see what resonates for you.
It’s hard to ignore the heart wrenching news about the many ongoing wars destroying whatever is in their path. Among the most recent, my heart felt shattered and I was outraged to learn about the World Kitchen (WCK) Aid workers being killed in Gaza. I have followed this NGO (non-governmental organization) for years because of its mission to provide culturally appropriate and healthy food to millions of desperate people around the world at risk of famine. The first words I uttered or maybe yelled upon hearing of yet another unspeakable act were “NO! NO! NOOO!!”
As sensitive beings, we can be sure that the many personal, environmental, and energetic changes occurring on our planet and beyond do impact us. Our personalities, as understood through the Enneagram, often take charge to help us cope. Personally, a familiar pattern of helplessness and despair along with my personality’s default reaction which is to NUMB OUT flooded me. It seemed like “too much” to take in (in that moment, it was), and I just wanted it all to go away. I was also tempted to blame and complain as the narrative that was being communicated through the media unfolded. I was caught between shutting down and looking for justice. I admit that it was impossible in those moments to know what justice would look like.
My personality’s reactivity had taken hold; I had turned away from my inner being, from my deeper self. What were some signs? My breath was shallow, my thoughts were muddled and repeating themselves, and my body was rigid. I was very much in my own bubble.
But something else simultaneously was at work within: I recognized that these escalating mental and emotional reactions could only ramp up my own angst and stress and probably that of others around me. The act of noticing and identifying these patterns was the key to turning around.
The question facing me was “WHO did I want to be when faced with these horrors?” After a period of grounding and meditating with a focus on my heart, the reactivity lost its steam. The response to the question was clear: I wanted to be as real, present and as kind as possible. That intention carried a completely different inner experience. My breathing had deepened and as my attention returned to my core, I experienced dropping in and letting go.
I sensed far more internal spaciousness and ‘hereness,’ and I felt held by a sense of presence. In the moment, ‘something’ more true arose that my personality was not equipped to address. Now I could begin to inquire about my inner experience and next steps.
I recognized the understandable attempts of the personality to submerge my grief. Not that we can take it all in, but it (the personality) was sidelining any chance to process the grief at all. The danger in avoiding grief is shutting down the heart—the channel for kindness, compassion, and love. My grief remains palpable…and I’m grateful for the capacity to be with it with greater presence. I also experience abundant kindness and love.
I continue ‘being worked’ by other realizations that lie underneath the personality, and will address them in the future. For now…
Another step was to reach out to WCK with a small donation and a note expressing that the contribution was sent not from outrage (as it would have been initially), but from love and compassion. Of course, none of this is heroic. It’s only significant because it comes from a different inner space than the personality and, thus, has the possibility of creating life-affirming ripples. Building this capacity is available to each of us.
To be clear, the intent is not to judge the personality or eliminate it—it’s not possible nor desired. It serves many purposes. What I am pointing to here is the value of increasing our recognition of when we are in the unhealthy grip of the personality and the process of shifting our attention to the deeper, more expansive dimensions of our being. Those dimensions are underneath the personality.
REFLECTION:
I invite you to reflect on a moment when you could distinguish between your personality being in charge and when you relaxed into a sense of your more expansive nature. If you have an example, I invite you to share it with me.
With beauty, kindness and love,
Roxanne Howe Murphy
roxannehowemurphy.com
